Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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