I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
