She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
im six kinds of drunk right now
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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