happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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