Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
