So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
