the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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