I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
MIDGETS
????
I have tasted many bathrooms
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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