people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
is wine microwaveable?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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