I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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