1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
