Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
