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who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
