I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
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