Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
