i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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