I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Oh god it's open bar.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
