got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
