Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
