Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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