U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
