the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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