Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
there's paper in my vomit.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
