tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
