Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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