I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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