Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
