it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
