You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
