In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
