I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
