just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
