she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
