Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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