i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
