I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
