Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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