i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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