watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
