I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
