i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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