I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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