Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
