my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
