in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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