i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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