the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
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