I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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