I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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