i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
