no, he came in my armpit
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
